Something so hard
by Lu78
Summary: My first JAG fic. Hints of MacHarm. Something happens in Mac's life and who is there to pick up the pieces.


A.N – This is something that came to me. Don't know where it came from but I am going to try it. This is my first JAG fic, so please be kind. It happens around the time of AJ's christening, but in this story, Mac is already Colonel and Dalton Lowne died about a week before AJ was born.

Admiral Chegwiddan's POV

Watching my officers standing in front of me is something to see. They all have different looks on their faces. Lieutenant Bud Roberts, keeps checking his uniform in case his son has left any small deposits on it. His wife Lieutenant (j.g) Harriet Sims-Roberts is fussing over three month old AJ's Christening outfit. Commander Harmon Rabb is looking at his watch and then to the door of the church. He looks worried, scared and hopeful all at the one time. There is one member of the team missing and I presume that is who he is looking for. AJ's christening can't start without her. She is his godmother. She is Colonel Sarah "Mac" MacKenzie.

The door to the church opens and Harm visibly exhales. She has arrived. But there is something not right. If there was one would I would never think to use to describe Mac it's weak. She is a Marine Colonel and a strong one at that. But today she looks weak, troubled and with a smile on her face that looks forced. Her skin is pale, almost translucent, even with the small amount of makeup she has put on. There are circles under her eyes and her eyes themselves look red and a little puffy.

"Sorry I'm late." She says, but her voice is not the one I am used to hearing. Harm walks up to her and whispers in her ear. I see her give him a small smile and nods her head. Harm always told me that she had a smile that lit up a room, but not today. I will get to the bottom of it.

She slowly walked up the aisle to join the rest of the party at the front of the church. The minister stood waiting to begin the service. He looked to where the parents stood, prouder than anyone he had ever met before. They are such a special couple to me. I glance to the other couple and see something that worries me. Mac has tears in her eyes, but they don't seem to be tears of happiness. Harm has his hand in the small of her back, glancing down to her.

"I ask of you all, do you promise to help this child in the ways of the world and show him true right from wrong?" The minister directed the question to all standing. Bud, Harriet, Harm and myself all answered out loud, Mac only managed a nod of her head.

The minister took AJ and poured the water onto his little head. The little boy made not a whimper as the minister spoke directly to him. "AJ Roberts, I baptize you in the name of the father, the son and the Holy Spirit. May you always know He loves you." The minister handed AJ back to Harriet.

The service ended and we all made our way back to the restaurant where Harriet had booked. It was only a short walk there but by the time we got there Mac seemed shattered. Her face paling the further she walked. Harm moved closer to her and spoke in hushed tones. "Are you sure you're all right to be here?"

"Not really, I'm not feeling to great right now." She replied. I wanted to demand what was wrong but it didn't look like the right thing to do.

"I'll take you home." My Commander suggests, but she shook her head. "Why not?"

"I need time on my own, and at least one of AJ's godparents should be here." She told him. He nodded in agreement. "Let me tell Harriet." She walks slowly up to her friend, interrupting the conversation Harriet is having with one of the other guests. "Harriet, I am really sorry to do this, but I have to go."

"Sarah, what's wrong?" Harriet asks.

"I'm not feeling too great right now." She replies, not in a very convincing voice.

"Okay, but feel better. Wait, I need at least one picture of AJ with his godparents." Harriet tells her trying to pass the baby into Mac's arms. The look of fear on Mac's face is intense. I don't think I have ever seen her so frightened. She has held AJ many times before. Why should now be any different?

Harm steps in. "Can I hold him for it Harriet?" He asks taking the child from her arms. Mac looks thankfully up at him and he smiles back to her. I have never seen Mac refuse to hold her godchild; in fact she has always wanted him in her arms whenever she is close. As Harriet starts to snap away I can see that the smile on Mac's face isn't a true one. She is trying hard but it just isn't there. What could be wrong with her?

Harm escorts her out to the cab that is waiting for her. I see him softly kiss her forehead and wipe away a tear before he lets her get in. He walks back into the restaurant where I stop him from going any further. "Do you care to explain what's going on?" I ask.

"Sir, Mac isn't feeling well. She's gone home." He answers. Looking more closely at him, I can see his eyes are red as well.

"I can see she isn't well, but what is wrong with her?" I almost demand.

"Sir she doesn't want everyone to know." He tells me in a quiet voice.

"I'm not everyone."

I can see him internally debating whether to tell me. He takes a deep breath as he starts to tell me. "Sir, last night Sarah suffered a miscarriage." He tells me as we hear a gasp from behind. Harriet is standing behind us.

"And she came today." The young blond officer squeaks out.

"She didn't want to let you down. But she couldn't take it." Harm says as he takes another deep breath. He seems to be struggling with this. It's his best friend and she is hurting.

"What happened?" I ask him.

"She found out she was pregnant about a week ago. Since everything that happened with Dalton she hasn't been taking that great a care of herself. She was pregnant with his child and was actually happy about it. She told me a couple of days ago and I am not kidding when I say her face lit up. She wanted this child, but last night I got a call from Bethesda saying she was there. By the time I arrived it was all over. She was devastated. I told her not to come today but she wouldn't have it. She didn't want to let Bud and Harriet down, but when she got here I could see it in her eyes every time she looked at baby AJ. She is still weak and shouldn't have been on her feet for so long but she wanted to do it."

Harriet was in tears by the time Harm had finished his story. I have to admit the tears were evident in my eyes as well. Mac is almost a daughter to me and to think that she was hurting when no one knew. "Harm why don't you go to her; sounds like she could really use a friendly face about now."

"Thank you sir. I didn't really want her going home herself but she insisted." He explained. Grabbing his jacket he was off with a cal of bye over his shoulder.

I turned to where Harriet stood with tears still coursing down her cheeks. Drawing her into my arms I told her "everything is going to be all right now."

Harm's POV

Driving to her apartment I start thinking about the phone call that started this all off.

Flashback 

_Sitting at home with the stereo playing quietly in the background the phone startled me from the case folder I had laying in my lap. "Rabb." I answered._

_"Commander Rabb, this is Doctor O'Neill down at Bethesda Naval Hospital. I have your name down as next of kin for a Colonel Sarah MacKenzie."_

_My breathing quickens, what's wrong with Mac? "That's right, is there something wrong?"_

_"She's been brought in to the hospital and is calling for you. Could you make it down here please."_

_"I'll be there in about 30 minutes." I hung up the phone and made a dash for the door, lifting my sweatshirt as I went. The drive to Bethesda was excruciating. I started remembering the days he told me she was pregnant and the smile on her face. Her eyes were glowing with happiness; the smile on her face rivalled that of the Cheshire cat. She was so happy._

_Reaching Bethesda I was shown to the room she was in. She lay curled in a ball under the thin blanket the hospital had provided. "Hey." I squeaked out. It was then I heard the sobs of my best friend. Rushing to her bedside I took her into my arms. "Everything is going to be all right." I promised her, not knowing whether I was telling the truth this morning or not. I just wanted to take her pain away._

End flashback 

I reached her apartment and drew my keys from my pocket. I was wary to use them, but I needed to get to her. Opening the door, I couldn't see her in the living room or kitchen, but could hear her in the bedroom. It broke my heart to hear her crying like that. Slowly I made my way to the bedroom and found her curled up in the middle of the bed holding something in her hand. "Oh Sarah." I said as I noticed the small white blanket and booties by her side. Climbing on to the bed beside her, she turned and snuggled into my embrace. The white blanket still between us. "It'll get better, I promise." I told her.

"Don't make promises you can't keep." She snuffled out.

"I won't." I answered.


End file.
